


I wish you didn't know

by potanio



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: A little bit fluff too i guess, Accidental Confession, Angst with a Happy Ending, Lance is in denial of a lot of things, Langst, M/M, Mentions of curly haired lance because thats the best headcanon, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Pining Lance (Voltron), Wow this is very self indulged, fight me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-16 16:25:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11256651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potanio/pseuds/potanio
Summary: Lance has a crush on Keith. He isn't sure since when or why, but he got it bad. But it's something that he has to hide, because having a crush on a teamate that probably doesn't like him back in the first place is never a god idea.And it works for a while. Well, that is to say until he accidentaly confesses..Runing away from the consequenses does in fact not make the situation better, but he can't help it. He knows that they need to talk, and that he has to listen to what Keith has to say in return, but everytime their eyes meet it feels as if his insides sets on fire. So he continues to run, hoping that he'll never have to stop





	I wish you didn't know

**Author's Note:**

> once again i wrote something that i though would be about 3k but ended up being 10k. is2g my storys write themselves..

Lance wasn’t quite sure when he’d first started developing feelings for the red paladin, but when he looks back at it, he can’t actually remember a time when Keith didn’t make his heart race.

It might have been that time when they’d been fighting the galra back to back he’d realized it for real though. They’d ended the fight victorious, and during the moment when their bodies were still full of adrenalin and the fact that _they had won_ began to set in, Keith had said with a voice still rasp from the battle; “You know, we really are a good team after all”.

The smile playing on his lips had been so sincere and even if Keith was drenched in sweat, he’d never looked quite as beautiful. It almost seemed as if time froze for a while, the two of them standing face to face in that badly lit room and it felt like Lance saw Keith, _the real Keith_ for the first time.

Ever since then, his feelings towards Keith had never been quite the same.

Or perhaps it had been one of the nights in front of one of the castles big, round windows from where billions of stars were to be seen. Lance could spend hours in front of that window with only his thoughts as company, staring out at the galaxies and constellations surrounding him.

Because here’s the thing, even though he tried his best to conceal it Lance had always been a very insecure person with anxiety far too often trapped inside his head. He was feeling awfully homesick as well, and knowing that his family was hundreds of light-years away, not knowing whether he was dead or alive did not make the issue any better. Sometimes things would get too much, and he would seek the comfort that the quietness outside assured him.

One of these troubling nights Keith had found him and with a slight hesitation asked if it’d be okay if he joined him. Lance had nodded, and Keith sat down beside him on the cold stone floor with his legs awkwardly crossed. If this would have happened a month earlier Lance would have ignored Keith’s question and kindly asked him to fuck off, desperate to hold unto the exaggeratedly confident and upbeat side of him that was created to hide the broken human lying underneath.

Well, a month ago Keith probably wouldn’t have asked in the first place.

But being the defenders of the universe with only six other people stuck in a castle in space did change a person in the most peculiar ways. Lance had slowly begun to learn that they didn’t expect him to be cheerful and quirky all the time, and that it sometimes were okay to not be okay.

Keith had changed as well, realizing that the team cared about him and through that find out that he really cared about them as well. And more importantly; allowing himself to show it. And sure enough, things were certainly more comfortable when the two of them didn’t bicker all the time and began to actually get to know each other instead, and not just the persons they’d assumed the other one to be.

This was why Lance answered somehow honestly when Keith asked what was troubling him. And when he described all of his siblings and how the ocean seemed to turn pink at the sunset by Varadero beach, Keith listened.

“I don’t know why you bothered to hear about all this, but thanks man.” Lance finished, actually feeling somehow better when some of the things weighting him down left in the shape of words.

Keith had tilted his head and wrinkled his eyebrows in a perplexed expression. “Of course I’d bother! As you probably have figured out, I’m not really that good with these kinds of things” Lance snorted, but Keith just ignored him and continued ”but you don’t have to keep it all to yourself, we care about you, I… I care about you. And I’ll always be here to listen if you want to.”

And Lance believed him. This wasn’t just some shit that Keith threw together to seem like a humble person, no, he meant it. Because in some ways Keith was just the same person as when they’d first met; He’d never say anything that he didn’t truly stand behind.

To know that Keith actually cared about him, that he wasn’t just someone _not quite interesting enough to pay attention to_ , that he didn’t make fun of him because of his vulnerability meant more to Lance than words could ever describe.

Of course, he might have been screwed from the first time he saw Keith back at the garrison. Lance recalled not being able to tear his gaze away from the black haired mullet boy sitting three rows in front of him that first class, not listening quite as properly to the lecture as he should have been.

He can still remember the thrill of finding out the name of the mysterious mullet-dude and the excitement of watching him fly. And of course, the pain he’d felt in his chest when Keith said that he didn’t even remember him that night they’d saved Shiro.

Okay, he confesses, acting like a total douchebag around him the first months probably wasn’t the best thing he could have done. But he was still feeling hurt, and any attention was good attention, right?

Back to the point; Lance wasn’t quite sure how he’d found himself heads over heels for the adventurous boy. But that didn’t affect the _”quite a lot more than friendly_ ”stuff he felt every time Keith smiled, did something cool or accidentally touched him, which had started to happen a lot more lately. Even if Lance was happy over their new friendship he’d sometimes wish that things were like they’d had been at first. Sure, it had hurt like hell when he’d thought that Keith didn’t even care about him, but now, every touch or smile felt like a stab to his guts, like a reminder of what he so badly wanted but would never get.

Luckily, Lance was great at bottling emotional stuff. That’s why he decided that he simply just had to try his best to ignore these feelings the best he could. At first he’d hoped that it’d slowly go away as his crushes usually did because he knew how extremely dangerous it was to have a crush on a teammate. But unfortunately, no matter how hard Lance tried to push away his feelings, they only seemed to grow stronger with time.

And that scared Lance.

Sure enough, he was known for being a flirty and a hopelessly romantic kind of guy, but the feelings he had towards the girls he usually hit on and Keith were sort of very... different. When Lance usually flirted with a girl it wasn’t as if he expected to get anywhere with it and it was mostly something he did as an entertainment. If the girls turned him down or when their ways would part, he’d just shake it off.

But it wasn’t the same with Keith. Because Lance knew that this wasn’t some cheap flirt or that he would be able to just move on if he’d get rejected as if it didn’t bother him at all. No, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever get over it if it’d happen, especially since they would be stuck with each other for god knows how long and he’d always be reminded of the all things that could’ve been.

Lance sighed deeply. He was once again sitting in front of that big window where Keith had comforted him not that long ago. He’d found himself sitting here a lot more lately when the things on his mind only seemed to multiply for every day that passed.

He had found comfort in stargazing back on earth as well. In comparison to the infinity that was our universe, the hundred billions of stars and a world so big that it literally didn’t have an end, his problems always seemed… not as devastating as they had been earlier. But now when his main problem was his crush on Keith it didn’t help at all. In a matter of fact, it actually seemed too worsen the situation because Lance knew what disastrous effects this might have. They were the defenders of the universe and the destiny of the infinitive universe was on their shoulders and if Keith found out about these unwanted feelings, would the friendship that took so long for them to build be ruined forever? Would the team dynamics be completely destroyed, resulting in an inability to form Voltron?

He couldn’t help but laugh a little for himself. How typical of him. When he’d actually developed real feelings for someone, it had to contain the potential to screw up the universe forever.

Footsteps echoed through the nearly empty vault, and he could hear a door close behind him. Lance turned around to see Keith standing in the doorway and when their eyes met, Keith took it as a sign to join him. The space between them was very narrow, and Lance tried his best to ignore the fluttering in his chest.

It had sort off become a habit for them to sit together after that first time, and at this point they didn’t even have to ask if it was okay for them to stay. Sometimes they’d talk about the things that were troubling them, their worries of what they’d left behind and what was yet to come. Other times they’d talk the most insignificant things, like everything from conspiracy theories to if they’d ever imagined being in a rock band, so indulged in their conversation that they were almost unable to stop. And sometimes, they’d just sit there in a comfortable silence, letting the stars shine over them.

“Is there anything special bothering you?” Keith asked after a while, shifting his gaze from the galaxy outside to Lance’s silhouette.

 _Oh not really, just my super big crush on you which I’m trying to ignore because I’m not sure if I’d be able to handle the rejection, and also hypothetically watch the world fall apart because of it_ Lance thought to himself and bit his lip in frustration.

Lance leaned backwards with his arms stretched behind him as support. He tilted his head up towards the roof, and closed his eyes for a moment while he tried to collect his thoughts.

“Yeah, when I think about it there’s like something super important that’s bothering me! You know bottomless holes?” Keith nodded a bit confused, certainly not faced with the answer he’d expected. ” There’s no way of telling if they are bottomless or not! Because time itself isn’t enough for us to measure the level of bottomlessness. Maybe it does have a bottom, but first after 50000 miles? It’s impossible to know!” Lance finished, his previous thoughtful posture exchanged to his usual enthusiastic and cheerful one with way to many hand movements to be practical.

Just because he’d gotten slightly better at not keeping everything to himself all of the time didn’t mean that there were still loads of stuff that he was hiding. He was still the master of impersonation.

It appeared as if Keith didn’t quite accept Lance’s answer though, with his eyebrows lowered and biting his lower lip. He continued to seem a little bit confused for a while, but then he slowly shook his head. “No, but they are still bottomless though? In comparison with our lifespans, the time falling through a bottomless hole would seem as something endless, and therefore the hole is bottomless?”

“I guess I’ve never thought of it like that, but you’re still wrong Mullet!” It was getting pretty late, and Lance blinked the grogginess out of his eyes while he tried his best to conceal a yawn.

“No, I’m not? It’s like saying that the universe isn’t infinite because we can’t prove that there isn’t an end out there somewhere. It makes no sense!”

Lance pouted and answered before he’d let Keith’s words actually sink in. It was way too late for this kind of stuff anyway. “Well this conversation makes no sense.”

“You’re the one that started it.” Keith answered.

“Touché”

Lance straightened his posture to be able to rest his head in his hands, making his skin look as mushy as his brain felt.

Infinite.

That was so awfully much when he thought about it, and he still hadn’t quite grasped the knowledge that he was supposed to protect it. It would have been so much easier if it would at least have an end somewhere out there, like cut them some slack!

They stayed like that for a while, silent and deep in their own thoughts. But Lance had giving up his stargazing (which was beginning to cause him an enormous paranoia) to observe Keith instead.

It should be illegal for someone with a nonexistent skincare routine to look that pretty. Lance let his gaze walk from Keith’s raven black hair, which he so badly wanted to run his hands through, to his dark brown eyes where the stars seemed to be reflected, down to his hands which he held tightly clutched in his lap.

But when Lance realized what he was doing, he quickly looked away before Keith would notice. Instead he continued to watch the big and dark space outside, trying his best to ignore the beating of his heart.

“It never seemed infinite from earth, the sky I mean. It’s honestly the same sky that we’re looking at right now and that’s just fucking messed up. It’s- it’s just so… big and unfamiliar.” Lance said after a while, when the quietness became too much.

Keith remained silent for quite a long while after that, and Lance was starting to think that he might have accidentally overstepped the boundaries of what he was comfortable with, but then Keith replied.

“I-I don’t actually think it’s something bad, I sort of view it as the opposite.” Keith took a small pause, and you could almost see how carefully he was searching for the right words in a manner that was so untypical of him. “I mean, in some ways space is what ties everything together, right? The stars you see from earth you might be able to see out here as well, and on a bigger perspective we all breathe the same air. It’s something that I like to think about when I get homesick. Not that I get homesick that often, because the only family I actually have is here with me I guess.”

What was up with Keith getting all emotional at night? Well, not that Lance complained. Not only did this speech gradually soothe his anxiety, but it also made him fall even deeper for the dark haired boy that was sitting so close to him that their hands would touch if he’d reach out, only a little.

If you’d go back in time to when they still went to the Garrison to tell Lance that the cute, mullet-haired boy would one day consider him his family, Lance would probably tell you to visit the infirmary to get your head checked.

But this wasn’t some head injury haunting him, it was real. It filled Lance with a warm feeling that reminded him of his mother’s hugs and hot chocolate on a rainy day, and he knew that he did, and would always consider Keith a part of his family as well. Well, not _family_ -family, but you get the point.

“You know that I love you, right?”

It took a while for Lance to realize what he’d said and when the realization finally sunk in, it was already too late. Shit, he hadn’t meant to say that, not in a million years! Keith was looking at him with his dark eyes wide open and jaw dropped to his feet. He didn’t judge him though, because he assumed that he was wearing a somehow similar expression as Keith, if not even more exaggerated.

Usually Lance had no problem telling the people that he cared about how much he loved them, just ask Hunk about it! But unless he didn’t say it to a family member, he usually added a man or dude afterwards to keep it all at a comfortable “No homo” level…

“Dude?” Lance mumbled under his breath, but the harm was already done.

“What did you just say?” Said Keith in a slow and uncomprehending voice, still with his eyes wide open.

Lance probably would have preferred it if Keith would have yelled at him, or angrily grabbed the collar of his shirt which were some of Keith’s signature moves. But he didn’t, and that freaked him out. So instead of facing the consequences like a normal, functional human probably would do, Lance did the first thing that came to him.

He ran away.

 

* * *

 

 

When he was standing safe and sound in his room a while later, Lance let out the breath that he’d been approximately holding for the last five minutes. He took some more deep breaths before he’d calmed himself down enough to be able to sit on his bed and actually think about what’d happened.

Shit.

Lance could vaguely remember how Keith had called after him when he’d left, sounding both confused and angry at the same time. But he’d just continued to walk away, feeling as if his insides were set on fire and unable to turn around and look at Keith’s pretty face one last time before it’d all go to hell.

How did he let this happened? He’d been so careful with this crush, and he’d never considered telling Keith about it, never! Lance knew what the implications would be and they sure weren’t pretty. So why did he have to accidentally confess the things that he hadn’t even processed himself yet?

Lance let out a groan, and fell down to the bed with a satisfying “thump”.

Well, he could hope that Keith was dense enough to not pay any attention to his accidental confession. Or maybe he should try to deny it the way he’d done with their _bonding moment_ , as Keith liked to call it, to escape the consequences. They had both been really tired, so what if Keith had just… gotten things wrong?

Yeah, that might work Lance thought. He was still feeling the tiredness tugging at his eyelids, so he decided that he should try to get at least a few hours’ sleep before the moment of truth.

 

* * *

 

 

It didn’t work, as Lance discovered the following morning. He’d tried to act as if everything was normal when they met up for the obligatory breakfast, even if he didn’t sit on his usual spot beside Keith and tried his best to completely ignore him, along with that stupid tension in his gutter that Lance felt when he accidentally caught a glimpse of him.

If the rest of the team noticed that something wasn’t quite right, they did their best to hide it. The conversations around the table were comfortable and natural enough, and for a moment everything was okay. Well, that was to say until Lance, with an extra loud voice had said;” Man, I was super tired last night! I can’t remember shit!”, and Keith had left the table without neither saying anything nor finishing his food. The comfortable chatter fell like a rock in the ocean, and everyone’s attention were aimed at Keith when he with tempestuous steps stormed out of the dining room, slamming the door behind him.

The attention immediately changed to Lance as the door closed, and he couldn’t quite tell if it was more upset or confused. Lance tried his best to play unbothered by this, and just shrugged while he said;” What, I didn’t do anything?” even though the lump stuck in his throat told him otherwise.

“If you didn’t do anything wrong, then why did he leave _genius?_ ” said Pidge.

“He probably just went to brood or beat up the poor training-gladiator as usual” Lance replied, but not even closely remote to the enthusiastic or confident voice he’d aimed for. It was a bit difficult to pretend as if it didn’t bother him a single bit when it in reality was fucking him up so badly that he was trying his best to not shed the tears that was resting along his lower lashline.

He returned to his food even though he felt incapable of eating another bite due to the emotions stuck in his throat. When he was certain that Keith had reached the training deck where Lance assumed he was headed to give outlet for his anger, he gave Allura a halfhearted pic-up line which she just rolled her eyes at, and then he excused himself from the table.

He’d barely made it to corridor that led to their rooms when he simply couldn’t hold back the tears anymore and they dripped down his cheeks, like rain drops falling from a lady’s mantle when the blade gives way to the pressure of the accumulating water.

Lance had always been a bit of a crybaby. He’d cried when he didn’t get his will through when he was younger, he’d cried when he didn’t get the grades he so badly wanted and he’d cry when his hair didn’t want to corroborate in the mornings. So obviously, he was going to cry now.

Had Keith really hated him that much? Was he that disgusted that he couldn’t even bare to listen to his prevarication? The tears felt warm in comparison to his cold skin, and he clenched his fists in frustration. He knew for a fact that they’d never get back to being as close as they’d been before after this… accident, and he was terrified that they’d go back to being rivals. What if Keith would be angry enough to actually start a _real_ fight when he got the chance?

It’s sort of funny how badly he’d wanted to end their friendship to put an end to his misery not that long ago, but now when the outcome was possible it petrified him.

Lance came to the conclusion that he’d rather get thrown out of the airlock than having to experience this punch to his chest and the lump was unable to leave his throat.

Was this how he was going to feel every time he faced Keith from now on?

What a terrible thing that would be.

 

* * *

 

 

The hour before their group practice Lance spent inside his room with the doors locked. He felt like a complete mess as he laid there on his bed with hands tugging at his hair and the remains of the tears still damp on his cheeks.

Usually at this time Lance would hang out with Hunk doing engineering or baking stuff. Well, Hunk would do the engineering and the baking part while Lance would sit on the desk, talking about some rumors that the mice had told him or his favorite TV-show back home.

But he didn’t quite find the willpower or motivation to do that today. Hunk was an observing guy, much more than people usually gave him credit for. He’d always know when something wasn’t quite right or when someone was lying. Even though Lance’s acting skills were superb, Hunk were one of the few people that’d manage too se through the false facade, and Lance didn’t feel like talking about Keith right now. Of course, when he thought about it he didn’t want to do that at all.

But if he’d ever felt like talking about it, Hunk would listen and Lance was forever thankful for that.

He cast a quick glaze at the clock-ish thing hanging on the wall and realized that he were supposed to be in the training room in eight minutes. The clock had been one of Hunk and Pidge’s amazing creations which had come to be when the nonexistent measurement of time was starting to get to their heads, and they realized that they needed a time-measure machine that they’d actually understand. No offense to the Altean version, but their hologram planet rotation version of a clock was a bit difficult to understand.

It took almost all of his willpower to get of the bed, because he was not ready to see Keith again, not after this. Lance sighed. He’d even only eat food goo for the rest of his life if that meant that he could go back in time, to prevent that, stupid, stupid slip-up.

Lance took a look in the mirror and when he saw his reflection his willpower decreased, if possible, even more. His natural hair had begun to rebel against the flat one and his skin looked red from the crying. He tugged disgruntled on the wavy curls that had appeared, considering if it’d be worth to get a little late to the practice to flatten them.

It was, he figured and spent the next few minutes heating up the hair-straightener and flattening his hair somehow evenly. When it was done, he splashed some water on his face and gave the mirror one of his best smiles along with some finger guns.

The smile didn’t look that convincing, but it would have to do. If he’d delay any longer, Allura would make sure that he wouldn’t need that _not so convincing smile_ for a very long time.

Therefore he left his room for the second time that day, but this time with an even bigger bellyache.

 

The team was looking at him disappointedly when he finally arrived to the practice, and when Lance waved his hands and made up some ridiculous apology, they just rolled their eyes at him.

As Allura and Coran explained the goal with today’s piloting practice Lance mind wandered off to the security of his isolated room. He hadn’t dared to look at Keith even once since he arrived, even if Lance could swear that he felt someone staring at him, trying to get his attention. But Lance ignored it. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to-if he was strong enough to face the frustration in Keith’s eyes.

“…Do you understand?” Said Allura’s voice and Lance was brought back to reality.

“Yes princess” replied Shiro and Lance nodded in an agreement, even though he had no idea what the fuck they were supposed to do.

 

* * *

 

 

As you could probably assume, the training went shit. Nothing had worked, their attempt at communication had been awful since two of them were clearly not speaking with each other, and their flying had for most parts been extremely horrible. Coran had even been forced to call of the practice earlier than planned before the team’s moral would be completely ruined.

“Okay, that didn’t quite go as planned.” Shiro said afterward as they once again stood in the hall, this time with even lower motivation than before.

“You don’t say” murmured a tired looking Pidge, as they crossed their arms.

“Hopefully this was just a one-time thing, and we’ll be back on track tomorrow. Try to eat properly and get a good night of sleep and I’m sure that everything will get back to normal.” Pidge weren’t the only one looking tired. Shiro had big, dark bags under his eyes and his voice lacked the usual confidence.

The rest of the team nodded appreciating at this, even though Lance weren’t sure if any of them actually believed Shiro’s words or if they just agreed to keep up the mood. Lance, for example knew that the mistakes they’d made during the training session weren’t caused by some lack of sleep and food. No, he knew what it was and it was only a matter of fact until the rest of the team would realize it as well.

Feelings were the worst. Why did anyone have them?

Sure enough, Lance weren’t the only one that had figured it out. Keith was trying to catch Lance’s attention even harder now then he’d been before. Lance ignored him twice as hard in return. But when he started to walk back to his room to sulk, Keith followed him.

If he tried to pretend that he didn’t notice Keith, would he lay of then?

The answer, as Lance found out was no.

A hand grabbed Lance’s jacket sleeve, and the quick abrupt of his “escape” made him almost fall over.

“Hey, we need to talk.” Said Keith, determined but yet a bit concerned. And Lance knew that Keith was right. They badly needed to talk about the incident because if their training continued like this, Lance figured that he’d been replaced as the blue paladin sooner than he’d first thought. They needed to talk because he missed Keith so badly, and he not being able to look him in the eyes made him feel awful. They needed to talk because the more he tried to avoid it, the harsher the consequences would be.

But Lance was selfish. He didn’t want to hear the words Keith had to say, he didn’t want the things he’d feared to be confirmed and he sure as hell didn’t want to lose him.

“There is nothing to talk about” Lance therefor lied and yanked his arm away from Keith’s grip. Behind them, the rest of the team was observing the scene with their eyes wide open, almost leaning over each other to get a clear view of the drama.

Wonderful, now they knew what was happening as well. Things had certainly not been going as planned lately, hadn’t they?

 

* * *

 

 

Lance had probably spent more time in his room today than he’d ever done before. And if he got to choose, he wouldn’t ever leave it to face the struggles that were waiting for him outside.

But it was awfully quiet in here and he couldn’t help but miss the chatter that would usually be heard in the kitchen around this time. In here, the only sound keeping him company was the ticking of the clock which was starting to drive him insane. He was starting to think about throwing it out of the airlock to end it once and for all when a soft knocking on the door interrupted his thoughts.

He considered to simply ignore the knocking, and hope that they’d just stop instead of having to deal with it. But they knew that he was hiding in here and they’d come talk to him sooner or later so why not just get it over with?

The knockings returned, slightly loader this time and Lance said;” Yeah, I’m coming” as he made his way over to the door, letting his hand rest on the button that’d allow the door swing open. He took a deep breath, and then he actually pressed it. The door slowly began to glide open with a muffled creak.

 _“Don’t be Keith, don’t be Keith, please don’t be Keith…”_ Lance could feel his breathing getting faster as the door were about to reveal the person responsible for the knocking. But when they revealed a big, dark-skinned boy with kind eyes and an orange hairband, he let out a sigh of relief.

“Okay, I hope this is okay with you but I’ll just get straight to the point. What is going on between you and Keith? Are you guys fighting again, we all thought that you were finished with that now?”

Lance let his hand nervously run through his hair one last time before he let Hunk into the vaguely dimmed room. Hunk would understand him, he knew that. They’d been best friends since middle school and Hunk had never let him down once! He deserved to know what had happened, all of it, even the parts that Lance had been trying to cover up. And if he were to keep all of this inside him for any longer he’d feel like he was about to explode, or at least make sure that the hour he’d spent on his hair-routine today would be for nothing.

He still didn’t feel like he was ready to talk about it yet, but he knew that he needed to.

He bit his lower lip and anxiously tapped his foot against the floor. “Okay, the thing is that I don’t hate him, probably never have. And, when I think about it it’s actually rather the opposite? Which freaks me out because that doesn’t make sense, right?”

Hunk sat down next to Lance on the unmade bed, but before he’d gotten the time to answer his question Lance continued; “And like… you know how you and Pidge tease me all the time about the way I look at him with the go-go eyes and all that, a-and I know that I usually just laugh it off or pretend like it doesn’t mean something, but it does.”

Lance stopped with his fanatic tapping to instead take a deep breath to try to collect his thoughts.

“What I’m trying to say is that I love him, I think. And that is so messed up because I’m not gay, and he is… _Keith!_ ”

He could feel his hands tremble because this was only the second time he’d said that out load and the first time had not ended very well precisely. But then he felt a big, hard-skinned hand in his. It felt safe, and Lance eased into the touch as he slowly began to calm down.

“Okay, first of all; I love you man, you know that right?” Hunk’s voice was just as soothing as their handholding, if not even more. “And second, please just think through what you’ve just said because some parts didn’t seem that reasonable.”

It was nice to hear those words, because he needed them so badly. But what had Hunk meant with the second part? He might’ve accidentally said something problematic since he unfortunately had a tendency to say whatever came to his mind without thinking it through first, but what had it been about? Maybe Hunk was aiming at that gay comment, but why had it been problematic if he’d only clarify that he wasn’t gay but… oh. When the realization hit him all the pieces fell into place.

“Holy dude I’m gay.” Lance said, not actually sure why he’d never realized that before. Hunk raised an eyebrow and he was trying his best to conceal the huge grin playing on his lips. But since he was Hunk, a literal sun in disguise, he failed.

“Okay, maybe I’m bisexual, but still. Damn, I’ve liked him since the garrison and it’s first now that I’ve realized that I’m not as straight as I’ve originally thought?”

And it was really funny when he thought about it, that he’d never even considered being anything else but straight, even when he had a crush on Keith, who was very much a boy. Lance decides to blame it on the society. But the realization wasn’t actually as big of a chock that he’d imagined it to be, and the word _bisexual_ came almost as natural to him as his own name.

The smile on Hunk’s lips was now as big as it could get and he was still holding Lance’s hand in a tight grip. “Have you actually liked him since the garrison? But…” Hunk’s smile faded a bit, and his expression faded into a rather pensive one. “If you’ve basically liked him since the moment you saw him, why are you acting like, forgive my word choice, a total douchebag about it first now?”

Oh right, that was the part he’d have to bring up as well. The part about how he’d managed to fuck it all up. He would most certainly not like Hunk’s reaction, and Lance could almost already hear his lecture about the things he did wrong and the stuff he needed to fix. That was probably one of the few good things about being separated from his family; Hunk weren’t going to pick up any more personality traits from Lance’s mother. On some occasions it could feel as if he had two mothers instead of one, which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Well, except for moments like this.

“Well… I’ve might have accidentally confessed my feelings to him and then ran away?” Lance said, his voice taking a higher pitch the longer he spoke.

There it was, the face of disappointment.

“You did what?” Hunk asked with an oddly calm voice that gave Lance the creeps. Man, he could be really scary sometimes.

Lance’s voice was even higher and more uncertain now than it’d been before as he continued; “And I’ve sort of ignored him since then, whiiich may be the reason that the training went down the drain?” Hunk took a deep breath and let go off Lance’s sweaty hand to instead fold his own in his lap. He looked upset, but Lance hadn’t really expected it to go any other way.

“I don’t want to say that you messed up, but you did. You really need to talk about it. Not only for the sake of the team, but because it’s hurting the both of you. Man, I’ve never seen you this shaken since that time you were about to open the Garrison acceptation letter, and Keith has been looking a lot like a kicked dog lately.”

“But… what if it’ll only get worse? I don’t want… I don’t think I’ll be able to hear the rejection. What if he’ll hate me more than he probably already does?” Oh, there it was again. The feeling like he was about to burst and the painful ideas that were unable to leave is head.

“Keith may be impulsive, skeptical and short tempered, but he’s not that kind of person that would judge someone for who they like. I mean, I’m ninety nine percent sure that he’s gay, like have you ever seen someone straight with a mullet and fingerless gloves? Anyway, my point is that he would never hate you for something as stupid as that. And what makes you that you’ll be rejected by the way? Just talk to him dude!”

Wait what had Hunk just said? Lance could feel his heart skip a beat and he didn’t quite manage to handle his excitement when he asked, or rather screamed; “Keith’s gay?”

“You didn’t even realize that you weren’t completely straight until a few moments ago, so I’m not even going to judge you for your denseness.” Said Hunk and laughed. ”But you really have to talk to him, you do know that right? Don’t delay it any longer because that will only make it worse, trust me. Anyway, I’ve got to tell Pidge that you thought the both of you were straight. See you later!”

Hunk stood up and waved goodbye, leaving Lance feeling even more confused after their conversation than he had before.

 

* * *

 

He’d planned talking to Keith privately after dinner to try following Hunk’s advice before anything else got worse. But without Hunk’s positive energy around him, he kind off started to doubt the plan. Maybe it would be for the best if he let Keith bring it up instead?

Lance knew that this was stupid of him and that there were some truths in what Hunk had said. But it was easier to run.

He’d gotten quite good at running away at this point.

Even if Keith now happened to be gay, it didn’t mean that he was automatically obligated to like Lance. Well it sure as hell would’ve been easier that way, but it didn’t work like that.

But Lance did take some of the advices that Hunk gave him, and figured that he couldn’t continue to escape the room every time Keith happened to be there, or pretend as if Keith was nothing more than thin air. So he tried his best to fix the holes in their damaged friendship by actually talk to Keith from time to time (even if it only was a few insignificant words) and starting to sit beside him at their common meals once again.

But that wasn’t enough. He was currently trying to fix the holes by applying layers of layers of duct tape, but he knew that it was going to need so much more work than that.

So did the rest of the team, since Hunk had probably told them about their recent conversation by now. Lance knew that Hunk didn’t mean anything bad with telling them about all this, he was just incapable to hold a secret. That didn’t mean that it hurt a little though. If he’d get a dollar for every disappointed look he’d gotten from his teammates lately, he would probably have enough to pay for the Garrison tuition ten times over at this point.

It would be nice to say that Keith was just as responsible for the cause of their damaged relationship as he was, but that wouldn’t be the truth. Keith had been trying to bring it up multiply times the latest week, but Lance had always managed to either change the topic or make up some poor excuse to leave.

And he knows that he’d told himself that he was going to tell the truth when Keith would ask about it, but it so much more difficult to say the things he’d practiced in his head when Keith was standing right in front of him. It would almost be funny to watch how Keith got more frustrated for every unsuccessful attempt if Lance weren’t so god damn scared.

Hunk had talked to him about this once again almost a week after their previous conversation, and told him that he had to talk to Keith as soon as possible. Lance had said that he would and hoped that Hunk wouldn’t detect the lie. It was better to constantly get his chest stung with hundreds of needles every time Keith’s gaze tried to find his than having his head cut of, brutally and unmerciful.

 

* * *

 

Coran and Allura were tired of their maliciously functioning practices, and therefor decided that they were once again going to bring back, to Lance’s big fright, the mind-melding machine to end the slump once and for all.

Fuck, the thing Lance most certainly did not want right now was people, or rather Keith digging around in his head. There were things that he needed to hide, so the only person allowed in his head was himself.

Lance dug his fingernails into the skin of his palm, taking deep breaths trying to remain calm. He was so terrifyingly scared but he didn’t want anyone to notice. No, that’d only make it worse. He had to find a way out of this without losing his cool.

“Hey, what if the castle starts acting weird again and we’d be able to hear each other’s thoughts forever? Or we swapped minds with each other’s, which would be messed up, right? So, I think that the only logical solution is that we don’t do the mind melding thingy, don’t you guys agree?” Lance laughed nervously, but stopped when he noticed that his palm was beginning to bleed from the nails piercing his skin.

“Well, the logical reason is that we have to take those, very creative and extremely unlikely risks because we have a universe to defend.” Said Allura without the slightest hesitation.

He’d stopped with the pressing of fingernails, and was now rapidly tapping his fingers towards his legs as some kind of simulation, a way to soothe the panic. Lance decided that he’d have to try again. “But can’t we do that some other way? Like the mindy-thing gives me huge headaches, and you can’t fight Galra with that, right?”

“Just put it on, will you?”

The expressions of the others looked like something close to pity, Lance thought. Well everyone’s except Keith’s, which was rather confused. But there was no guaranty that they were going to find out more even about his feelings and insecurities, maybe he’d be able to focus on Voltron? It couldn’t be that difficult, right? He cast a glimpse at the door behind him, and he knew that he wouldn’t get away with escaping this time.

He knew that the team hadn’t set him up for this situation, no they wouldn’t do that. They might know some of the stuff that was going on, but they weren’t assholes. They just wanted the team back to normal, and he didn’t want to be the person to hinder them.

 _Well here goes nothing_ Lance thought, and pulled down the helmet over his sweaty forehead.

It was fine at the beginning. He’d somehow managed to calm down enough to concentrate on what he was supposed to. But unfortunately, Lance had always had problems with his concentration. One of the many cons of having ADHD he supposed.

He tried to get his thoughts to shift over to his family instead, to keep the other things concealed. It had always been easy for Lance to think about his family, his big sisters teasing and the twins’ way too many pranks. But right now even thinking about that was difficult, especially since he had four other persons sneaking around in his mind.

It started with the hair. It’s kind of funny when you think about it actually. It was the hair that’d first caught Lance’s attention back at the garrison, and it was with his hair that everything would fall apart. He really did have beautiful hair, Keith. Maybe that’s the reason why Lance teased him about it so often.

_No, no… think about Voltron, think about Voltron…_

It was the smile next. Keith didn’t smile that often, and that’s why the few times he did meant so much to Lance. Their first bonding moment, when Keith’s hand had been in his and the beating of his heart weren’t only caused by the pain, that smile after their fight when Keith had said that sentence of them being a good team back, and of course the smiles from their many nightly stargazing sessions as well.

_Piloting, shooting bad guys… They need me, they’re counting on me…_

But if you told yourself not to think about something, the more you would.

Keith riding his speeder that night they’d rescued Shiro, Keith gracefully fighting the gladiator and the way he so fiercely piloted the red lion, that time he first realized that the odd feeling he got when Keith was acting all cool weren’t just jealousy and-

_No, no, no don’t think about that… Voltron, gotta stay cool. He doesn’t even like you so don’t fuck it up even more…_

Lance loved the way Keith smelled. Was that a weird thing to think? Probably, but it was true. He smelled like some sort of combination between lavender and an outdoor fire, a combination that shouldn’t go hand in hand but it sort of did. Lance wondered if he’d taste the same way that he smelled. He did when Lance imagined it though. The hungrily brushing of lips, hands pressed against each other’s upper necks to get even closer and that wonderful, stupid scent. He wanted it so badly that it hurt that it-

He threw the mind-helmet to the ground, not really caring if it had broken or not. He was breathing even harsher than before, and it felt as if his heart was about to jump out of his chest. There were tears in his eyes, but Lance didn’t even care about that.

They knew.

They’d seen what he’d thought and he was aware of that because he’d felt it. They knew- Keith knew and there was no way he’d get away with it this time. If any of them where doubting his feelings for the red paladin based on the things they’d heard before, they certainly did not now.

Lance felt as if he was stuck in a box that was increasing in size every second and it was getting smaller and smaller. It was too small, and he felt as if he was suffocating; he couldn’t breathe. Every time he tried he’d failed and ended up panicking even more, and the box just continued to increase…

He needed to get out of there. Everything around him seemed far away and unreal, as if it was nothing else but a TV-program with bad signal. The footsteps he took felt artificial as well, like the steps of a controlled puppet. But he had to leave, puppet steps or not. He was running now, he thinks. Lance still couldn’t seem to remember how to breathe, but he didn’t give himself the time to take a break because he needed to get away from his friends. He needed to get away from Keith.

He’d made it to the far end of the corridor when his legs wouldn’t bear him anymore and he fell to the ground. The tears were streaming down his cheeks now, and the box was pushing way too tightly against his chest.

There was another person in the corridor now, Lance realized, even though he still appeared a bit blurred.

“Why can’t you tell just me what’s going on, why are you… are you okay?” Keith’s voice said, angry at first but then in a worried tone. The blurry person, Keith apparently, reached out a hand towards him but Lance pushed him away before he even had time to think about what was happening. He was to close, and he didn’t want Keith to see him like this.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” Said Lance with a voice low and raspy. He wondered if Keith had even managed to hear him at all.

Apparently he had, since Keith quickly pulled back his arm as if it’d gotten burned.

His breaths were hasty and it felt like he was losing more oxygen than he gained. Lance closed his eyes in an attempt to block everything out, but without succeeding. He could still feel his ribs being lifted and lowered way too often to be operational.

“Lance… shit…hey, I need you to breathe with me okay?”

Even though Keith sounded scared there was still a hint of control in his voice that calmed him down enough to nod.

Keith began his attempt to correct Lance’s breathing by telling him to “breathe in” and “breathe out” in a slow speed, which made it seem like one of those stupid meditation tapes with dolphin sounds in the background. But since he had nothing to lose and his current state was freaking him out, he followed Keith’s instructions which strangely were way harder than they seemed.

A little while and many breaths later, Lance felt somehow back to normal and was sitting with his back pressed against the wall and his arms wrapped around his knees. Keith was still there, leaning towards the wall as well but with a moderate advance away from him. It seemed as if Keith was still listening to what he’d said not that long ago about the personal space-thingy. But Lance sort of wished that he didn’t because his heart was still beating heavily from attack, but indifferent to before, he wanted physical contact to ease it, something to remind him that he was present.

Lance took one last deep breath before opening his mouth. “How did you know how to handle it?” He asked.

“Well, I used to have loads of panic attacks after Shiro went missing.” Keith shrugged. “I figured you’d need some help, they sure can be a pain in the ass.”

At least now he knew what it felt like to have a panic attack. This sure had been a dramatic afternoon. Lance remained silenced for a little longer, then he asked the second big question that he couldn’t get out of his head; “Why did you help me?”

Keith looked confused.

“Why wouldn’t I help you?”

“I’ve kind of acted like a douchebag to you the latest weeks because of… you know what I mean, and now that mind-thing happened. Like, I know you saw that _thing_ and there’s no way of pretending that you don’t know anymore. I don’t really blame you if you hate me right now and you could just say it if you’d like, you know.” Lance had imagined that it would hurt way more to say that, but he actually felt rather empty and the words slipped out like a light wind on a summer’s night. He wasn’t quite sure if he’d prefer it the other way around.

It didn’t really surprise him when Keith began to get angry; Lance knew he had it coming sooner or later. Well, it wasn’t like _angry-angry_ , it was rather _frustrated-angry_. “No, you know what? I don’t know what you mean! First you tell me that you love me, but then I don’t get the chance to ask you if you meant it or whatever the hell it was supposed to mean because every time I tried, you literally ran away! I thought that I’d done something wrong or that maybe you were actually an asshole after all, and never meant anything of the stuff you said! It was just… loads of mixed signals! And now, after the mind-melding thing everything is just messed up!”

“I’m sorry ‘bout that, I guess.”

Keith snorted, and sank down the wall in frustration. “You should be.”

Lance was still feeling oddly empty right now, which was odd considering the previous accident. It’s funny, he thought, that you can feel everything at once and then nothing at all in a matter of seconds.

“You know, can’t we just forget about all this? I mean, I fucked up and I’m aware of that, but if we just left it all behind I’m sure that everything will be fine! It’s not like it meant something anyway.”

He knew that his lie wouldn’t work even as he said it, so he weren’t even surprised when Keith spoke against him.

“No, we’re not going to leave all of this behind us because you don’t get to run away again. You were literally having a panic attack about it just a few moments ago so _it didn’t mean anything_ \- my ass! Just tell me what it means because I can’t continue walking around not knowing exactly what I am to you, I need to know. No, I deserve to know.”

And Lance knew that he couldn’t run away anymore. Because sooner or later, the thing that made you run away in the first place would catch up and then there’d be no more escape routes. All he could do now was to hope that he wouldn’t hurt. Or even worse, that he’d be the one to cause the harm.

“Okay then, here’s the truth. The real one, and not some stupid cover-up lie this time. You’ve probably figured out that I’ve got some like… feelings for you?” Keith nodded as an answer, his eyes desperately trying to find Lance’s but without any success. “And it was stupid of me to do the silent treatment and all that stuff, trust me I know. But I didn’t mean to say that I loved you and it freaked me out. It didn’t mean that they weren’t true though, I think, but I never planned to tell you, like ever! I know that you don’t like me, and I don’t blame you , but I didn’t want you to pity me or that the team would fall apart because of that so I just thought that it’d be better if I pretended as if it’d never happened because I don’t want to lose you and-“

“Lance, breathe.” Keith’s anger had seemed to fade, only to be replaced by worry. He was once again starting to feel disoriented, and his lugs began to feel empty no matter how desperately he tried to fill them. _No, not this again._ Lance thought. Why couldn’t he just function like a normal human being?

But once again, Keith was there. After a split second of deliberation, he grabbed Lance’s hands tightly as a way to show him that he was there. “Hey, it’s going to be okay. No one is, or are going to hate you. Just… try to breathe okay? I’m not going to leave you.”

And Lance knew that he shouldn’t because Keith had never been a fan of people invading his personal space, and the two of them certainly didn’t need any more tension between them but Lance was selfish and scared. So despite knowing that he probably shouldn’t, he wrapped his arms tightly around Keith’s neck and buried his head in his shoulder. He was sobbing now, still trying to catch his breath.

Keith was stiff at first since he clearly wasn’t the hugging type of person, and he’d certainly not seen that coming. But, to Lance’s surprise, he actually eased into the touch very quickly and became a bit more relaxed. Keith wrapped his arms around Lance’s waist, and his anxiety began to ease as and the intriguing smell of lavender and campfire that he loved so much calmed him down.

He hugged him a little tighter, not finding the time to worry about the consequences that would follow even as his tears stopped falling and the palpitations stopped. He could slowly but steady feel himself get back to normal, with only the dampness of Keith’s as a reminder of how bad things had been.

Then, Lance felt a quick chaste of lips pressed towards the top of his head and he literally froze, not really sure if he’d imagined it or not. It was too good to be true. Lance lifted his head from Keith’s shoulder to be able to look at his slightly red face in disbelief.

“Why did you do that?”

“Because I like you too, you idiot.” Keith said.

Lance was still feeling frozen. His heart sure did seem to have a hard time deciding if it was going to beat to fast or not at all lately. He was looking at Keith’s dark brown eyes in shock, because this felt more unreal than anything that’d happened before (including finding out about the existence of alien life and flying robot-lions). There was no way that those words were true, because what could Keith ever possibly see in him?

Lance wrinkled his eyebrows. “No, you don’t. I mean I get that you want to comfort me because of my panic attack or whatever, but pretending to like me back to do so is pretty fucked up because-”

But Lance didn’t have time to say anything else because Keith’s lips were suddenly forcefully pressed against his. Keith kissed hungrily, and it took a while before Lance realized what was going on and actually kissed back. Even if the kiss was messy and their teeth chattered together a lot, it was better than the ones he’d imagined because this one was real. Lance put his hands around Keith’s head, tugging at his hair that actually was just as soft as he’d always thought. Keith was getting even closer, to with a smooth motion straddled his lap and Lance couldn’t help but to let out a soft moan. He could feel Keith smiling at that, and softly biting his lower lip in triumph.

The kiss didn’t last that much longer after that, but to Lance’s delight Keith remained in his lap, looking ridiculously hot with his lips flushed.

“I really like you too, okay? So please don’t doubt it or I’ll have to kiss you to prove my point again.”

Lance still wasn’t quite sure if it’d really happened, and he was feeling like he was floating on clouds, his previous sadness almost forgotten. His let his arms wrap around Keith’s waist and Lance couldn’t help but to pull him a little closer as a reminder that this was real.

“You know, if you put it like that I’m just going to doubt it no matter what.” Lance said and winked. Keith rolled his eyes, but didn’t quite manage to hide the small smile on his lips. But instead of continuing their heated kiss, Keith once again pressed his lips against Lance’s temple. Because the both of them somehow knew that he still needed time to heal, time to process the aftermath of the attack. All the worry and doubt that Lance had wouldn’t magically disappear with a kiss, no it would take so much more than that. What they both needed right now was comfort, and not a heated romance, but that was okay.

“It’s a bit funny when you realize that we could have been doing this ages ago, if you didn’t run away that time when you confessed” Keith said after a while.

“Yeah, but I had my reasons to do so.”

Keith rolled his eyes, and let his head rest against Lance’s shoulder. “But those reasons were stupid.” He mumbled.

And Lance didn’t have a comeback this time because those reasons were actually really stupid when he thought about it, even if he’d realized it first now. For once he actually let Keith get the last word.

They stayed like that for a long while, with arms wrapped around each other as a silent way tell each other that things were okay and would continue to be for a long, long time. Even Pidge didn’t have anything to stay to disturb the atmosphere when the rest of the team found them in the same position ten minutes later. They just smiled, knowing that the tension in Voltron had now ended, and that the two paladins had finally gotten their shit together to put an end to the long-lasting mutual pining.

Shiro mouthed something to the team about leaving them alone and so they did, giving Keith and Lance even more time to spend in their private world, made only for them until the universe would once again need their help.

 

* * *

 

A week later, the two of them were once again sitting in front of their window. But this time there were no space between them and their hands was tightly clenched together. They’d been sitting there for quite a long time now, and since the space outside was as dark as always they did not know if it was night or day. But that didn’t really matter.

The boys were playfully bickering with each other, a little too harsh to be considered cute, but that’s the way they liked it because even if things changed some parts would always remain the same. But the words they spoke were no longer filled with jealousy and hatred, and they never carried the intention to hurt.

Keith had somehow once again ended up in Lances lap, and Lance wrapped his arms around his waist in-between the “Do” and “Do not” of their argument. But the argument ended abruptly when Keith leaned forwards to kiss him to silence the teasing. Lance didn’t complain, and pulled him a little closer.

When they broke apart, Lance took the liberty to observe his boyfriend. He was beautiful, really, and Lance hated how cheesy this sounded but Keith’s eyes were more complex and breathtaking than the galaxies outside. Well, he couldn’t help being a hopeless romantic, and the things he’d thought about his eyes were somehow true after all.

Keith tilted his head, and the corners of his mouth twisted in a smile. ”What are you thinking about?” He asked.

“Did you know that I love you?”

“Yes, I do.” Keith answered and everything was as good as it could possibly get on a spaceship far out in outer space.

**Author's Note:**

> i was originally going to make keith say that he loved him too in the end, but it sounded better the way i wrote, so just know that he does love him back, ok? anyway, i hate writing kisses as you guys can probably tell, hopefully it werent to cringey...  
> hope you liked this one, and as usual if you leave kudos or a comment i'll love you forever!


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